I need to get all my thoughts down on ‘paper’ so bear with me as I ramble…
I started meeting with a grief counselor from my church, basically because I think I needed someone to hash out my feelings, goals, etc. The meeting went pretty well-she began by reminding me that I’m young, should enjoy the time in my life without children, take my focus off my infertility, etc. Well-I could have talked to a friend who doesn’t understand what I’m going through to hear that! But once we got through those shenanigans it got better. We talked about why I wanted to be a mom and how God fit into my plan. We talked about how much I wanted ‘my plan’ to work and how its been hard giving up and allowing God to take over. Which, brought up a point I’ve been dreading to talk about. I’m scared to give up my plan for his, because I know his plan includes a TTC break. I know, in my heart, he’s asking me to trust him and just take the summer off-start again in August. Go on a trip with DH in August to ‘kick off’ the TTC journey again, but my plans don’t include a break! I want to get pregnant now! Well-it’s so hard for me to let him take over and remind myself that his plan is always better than mine. Plus, I want to become as financially stable as possible so I could possibly work part-time/stay at home! Right now my husband and I are working on paying off all our debt (by the ‘snowball’ method. We’ve done really great-paid off over $12,000 of debt in the last year!!!) YAH! If we wait until August, I’ll be able to buy Jeff a new truck and pay my car off by the time we have a baby, which-of course would be awesome. Ugh, decisions, decisions.
Second problem-Jeff doesn’t want to take a break, at all! He wants to be a dad and wants me to get pregnant now. His faith is not as strong as mine and he doesn’t really understand how God is “telling me” August is the right time. I guess I just need to keep praying and see where all this takes us.
I know for sure I’ll take my Femara in May though. I have a prescription already bought/filled and am already doing the estrogen so we really don’t need to make a decision until after this cycle. (I have a feeling the first cycle won’t work anyway!)
I hope you were able to follow my ramblings, if not-sorry! J On another note, my counselor said the book I’m reading, “Disappointment with God” will really help me. I’m truly enjoying it, a lot! Plus, I started getting the Double Daily Portion through sarahs-laughter.com which is a Christian Loss/Infertility support group. I really love them!
Ok..back to lunch. I pray one of you ladies gets your BFP today!
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, it's hard to wait, but like you said his plan is definitely better than yours and all of our plans! I hope that Jeff becomes more comfortable with waiting. Personally, I think taking a break is one of the best things that you can do - I know that our long break helped me to get my health and happiness back. I'll continue to keep praying for you and Jeff! You're doing a great job of paying off your debt - I'm proud of you and Jeff!