Is that you Ducky?

The other day I was getting ready in the bathroom and noticed a 'smug' on our mirror. After looking closely I realized it looked alot out 'Ducky'. Remember him??

I took a picture, it just reminds me that he is always watching over us.

He spent only weeks in my belly, but will forever be in our hearts.

Yah!!!!!!!

Some of you know that I signed up to do some volunteer work at Childserve (an organization that is home to children, mostly with disabilities). They had to do a ton of reference, background checks, etc but today I got a call that they want me to come in for orientation on Wednesday!! They are going to show me around the center, explain what I can do, meet the children, etc. I can volunteer to do a bunch of stuff but mostly I'll be spending time with the newborn/toddlers that live there. I'll be spending time walking, reading and rocking them before bed. I really can't wait and I know I'll want to take them all home too!

I'm also hoping this will also help me to learn if fostering to adopt is right for us. I'll learn alot about the children and their lives. I'm guessing this will make me want to foster/adopt more but we'll see what happens. I'll update after my Wednesday orientation!

Last night Jeff and I also watched 16 and Pregnant, where Caitln and her bf put their baby girl up for adoption. It was the most amazing story I've ever heard. The maturity of those 16 year olds was amazing, and the respect and love the boyfriend had for his daughter and gf were amazing. I don't think any boys in my high school would have acted like him. I bawled through the whole thing, with Jeff holding me. It was touching, heartbreaking and amazing all at the same time. To see the heartache the birth parents went through, but also knowing they made the right choice and the happiness that was brought to the adoptive parents. Wow, everyone needs to watch it. (just got to mtv.com and you can watch it online there!)

Cloth Diapers

Now, before ya'll mothers lecture me on how we'll hate cloth diapering, how much harder it will be once we have a baby of our own, etc let me now tell you I've heard it all! Jeff and I discussed this and we definatly want to try cloth diapers. I was one of the girls thinking these 'green moms' were crazy using cloth diapers but the more I research the more I think I want to try it. Jeff is completely on board, which is a big suprise to me! I think what caught him was 'we'll save money in the long run'. I've spoken with tons of my nesties who have used cloth diapers and not one regrets it. Plus, with me staying home I think it will work out really well too.

Also-cloth diapers aren't what they used to be :-) They have upgraded quite abit! They are many different styles you can use, from prefolds (old fashioned kind) to types with liners that are removed, etc. I'm still doing my research on which ones we'll like and last night I got to check out some of my friends, Erin's, cloth diaper stash she has for her little boy.

Here's a youtube video on prefolds:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCPGsB8k5sM

And here's a website about cloth diapers...

http://web.mac.com/meredithnsinclair/Muddled_Musings/ClothDiapers.html

Now, my favorite part! Look how cute these are!!!

How cute is this cover?

Now I just need a baby to put these in.....;-)

Have I lost my mind?

Yes, probably. I need to put some thoughts down on 'paper' before they go crazy in my brain. As some of you know, through our journey of IF I've always thought about adoption. The costs, time and unknown have scared me but something always brings me back. I often google, research and read posts about adoption. Lately, something has really been pulling at my heart. There's a type of adoption out there where you foster a child with intentions to adopt. (A blogger, Erin and her husband, are doing this). I origionally met Erin on the Nest and have been following her journey for awhile. Reading her posts have given me some insight to the experience they are going through. However, it's just not that. I can't stop thinking about the children who are in homes, hospitals, etc with no mommies, daddies, loving homes, etc. I know this is a huge process and will be a challenge if Jeff and I decide to do this, but it's something I've been thinking about for awhile. I talked with Jeff last night about it, he still wants a biological child, but agreed to do 3 IUI's and then have a serous talk about adoption. The process would be shorter and cost would be so much less, but stress would be more. We would be able to chose the age of the child (somewhat) and it's a possibity to adopt siblings. I guess I'm so confused as to why this has been on my mind for awhile, where did this come from? I always said I wanted to carry a child, feel him/her kick inside me, give birth, etc. But something is pulling at my heart and I can't get it out of my mind. I'm sure I'll be posting more with thoughts and questions about this. Around Christmas/New Year we'll be discussing it more if the IUI's don't work (for some reason I feel like they won't-but maybe that's me not letting myself get excited). Hm...just prayers that God will guide both our hearts on this decision. I'm sure my thoughts are a little premature but I needed to get something down on 'paper'.

Injectable Class

Our injectables class is next Tuesday and Jeff just found out he'll be out of town :-( I called to reschedule our class but Tiffany (the nurse) said there wasn't another one for about a month. So, it looks like I'll be going all by myself! Yuck! Jeff is bummed too, but I guess we'll have to deal. Hopefully there are a few other ladies whose hubbies don't join them so I don't feel like an outcast :-P

Beta Neg/AF Arrived

I had my beta on Friday, it was a BFN. The nurse, Tiffany, called and we talked about how the Femara was producing one big egg and I was having strong ovulation but the timed intercourse wasm't really working. She said she also thought it was a good idea to move onto injectables and an IUI. She also ended the conversation saying she really hoped next month was our month!! Yah! So nice to have such a sweet nurse!

Oh, and then AF showed up Friday evening, of course.

The plan?! Taking injectable class on July 21st. Start provera July 27th to induce my period. Then go in for my CD3 ultrasound on or around August 8th. U/S and injectables following for 2 weeks and then...artificial insemination! Yah! I'm very excited. The bad part is that I will either have to test while we are in San Diego (could be good or bad) or I'll find out right before we leave. Hopefully it will be good news, but if not, then I'll be enjoying the sun and fun and I won't even be bummed about a BFN.

I love my nesties...

My nesties have been an amazing support system through all my IF and today I got home to this post:


http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/18718686.aspx





It just makes me laugh!! I tested today at 11dpo and I got a clear BFN. However, the boobs are huge and painful! The good news? Even if this cycle is a bust atleast Jeff gets to enjoy the girls being nice and huge for awhile! LOL





Here's a pic from today. (went to watch my little sister show her horse)

Where did THOSE come from?!?!?!?!

No BFP for our Annivesary

I tested this morning, 10DPO, BFN! Boo! My chart says I O'ed on Monday but I triggered on Thursday, so who knows. If I did O on Monday, this cycle is a bust. We didn't BD religiously around Monday like we did the week/end before. Who knows anymore! I know it's still early, so I'll probably test on Thursday and then have my beta on Friday.

On a happy note-today's our anniversary! Yah! 2 years! It's crazy how much things have changed in two years. We bought a house, 2 new cars, practically remodeled our whole house and are reaching 23 months of TTC. Wow! I can't wait to see what the next 2 years bring us!

Tonight I'm leaving work at 3, hanging out at home and relaxing. We're going to Christopher's, a fancy little restaurant in a sweet little town, then watching a movie on the hammock under the stairs :-) You can check out my other blog for the pic of the gorgeous ring Jeff got me!

Off to work...I have alot of stuff to finish in the next 6hrs16minutes!

Pregnant?

I'm trying not to jinx myself, but I feel pregnant. Last time I was pregnant I thought I was also, and had sore boobs/nipples like I do now! My boobs have been sore all weekend and I've been exhausted! I slept for 12 hours on Friday and Saturday night and had to drag myself out of bed. Today at work I cried for over something completely stupid. My p4 came back at 24 which means I ovulated, so hopefully we BD'ed at the right time! Tomorrow is our anniversary and I'm going to test in the morning just to see. It'll only be 10dpo but hopefully we get an amazing anniversary present! Pray, pray, pray for another miracle!!!!!

Thankful.

As I was reading through my last posts I realized how depressed I sound! Although the journey of infertility is hard, especially when I see Jeff hurting from it, I'm actually thankful for the wait. If Jeff and I would have gotten pregnant right away we wouldn't be as financially stable as now, our relationship wouldn't have had the time to grow and develop as it has-we've become so close and learned so much from each other! I love this time when it's just the two of us and we can do whatever we want. I'm thankful for that-but I'm ready for a 'family' now. However, I need to remind myself that each month that goes by without a BFP is a month that we are blessed with and need to enjoy this time!

*I use this blog to vent, alot! Most of my posts are my random, jumbled thoughts and I tend to write the most when I'm having a bad day or hour :-) So please don't think I'm this angry, dark, depressed person! I'm actually very happy and feel very blessed....but maybe the zoloft helps with that alot too. haha

Some Days.

Some days I want to give up. Not because I'm mad or frusterated but because I need a break. Somedays I want to quit fertility treatments for a year, travel all over the world, spoil myself, not worry about money and enjoy this 'single' life.

Somedays are harder than others. Yesterday I cried almost all afternoon and evening. Jeff was understanding and did the grocery shopping for me so I could hang out in our hammock and read a book. He comforted me and listened while I talked, he also reminded me that I need to have faith. God has a plan for us, and its better than we can image.

Somedays I wonder why God would do this too us. If he truly loved us, why is he putting us through this? My God wouldn't want me to hurt. My God wouldn't let my bff become pregnant by suprise while we try so hard, it makes me feel like he is taunting us. My God, the God I know, wants us to be happy.

Most days I trust in Him with my whole heart. I know this is hard, I know He is crying with me. I know He holds me while the tears fall and I know He listens when I'm angry, hurt or just upset. I know He is here and I know His plan is always better than mine.

Most days I don't think I can go another day without positive news. But on those days, He brings me through it.

Everyday I love my husband and My God more than the last. These years have brought us all closer and we've loved each other more than we thought possible. If anything good has come out of it, it's learning and loving and trusting in each other.

Everday I talk to Ducky. I ask him to watch over his siblings. I ask him to pray to God for us. I tell him I miss him and how I wish, with all my heart, he was still with us. 34 weeks. I would be 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Our baby is an angel in heaven and I can't wait for the day to see him waiting for us at the Gates. Love you baby. Love you God and Love you Jeff. Each one of you has pulled me through this and I am thankful you were all brought into my life.

Mood Kill.

I just got crabbier. I found out that we have to have a break between each IUI cycle. So August we do IUI, if that results in BFN we can't do another until October. Ugh..... Which means if IUI fails us we won't start IVF or adoption until Marchish. But maybe I'll ask to do only 3-4 IUI instead of 5-6...

I'm crabby and frusterated today. I want to go home and lay on my hammock. However, the house needs cleaned up a bit and groceries need bought. Blah, don't want to!!

I wish I was 3 again so I could throw a temper tantrum! lol

Boooo

I hate my body and I hate fertility friend today! As you can see FF is not indicating ovulation anywhere and I'm not good at decifering these charts. We did the trigger shot on the 25th so I should have ovulated Saturday morning at 9:30am. But, my chart is so crazy I can't figure it out. The girls on the nest think I O'ed around CD 18. If I did O, I'm a little worried that my egg was rotten :-( We'll see I guess.

This is my perfect, normal and readable chart from last month. See how much easier it is to read?!