Some Days.

Some days I want to give up. Not because I'm mad or frusterated but because I need a break. Somedays I want to quit fertility treatments for a year, travel all over the world, spoil myself, not worry about money and enjoy this 'single' life.

Somedays are harder than others. Yesterday I cried almost all afternoon and evening. Jeff was understanding and did the grocery shopping for me so I could hang out in our hammock and read a book. He comforted me and listened while I talked, he also reminded me that I need to have faith. God has a plan for us, and its better than we can image.

Somedays I wonder why God would do this too us. If he truly loved us, why is he putting us through this? My God wouldn't want me to hurt. My God wouldn't let my bff become pregnant by suprise while we try so hard, it makes me feel like he is taunting us. My God, the God I know, wants us to be happy.

Most days I trust in Him with my whole heart. I know this is hard, I know He is crying with me. I know He holds me while the tears fall and I know He listens when I'm angry, hurt or just upset. I know He is here and I know His plan is always better than mine.

Most days I don't think I can go another day without positive news. But on those days, He brings me through it.

Everyday I love my husband and My God more than the last. These years have brought us all closer and we've loved each other more than we thought possible. If anything good has come out of it, it's learning and loving and trusting in each other.

Everday I talk to Ducky. I ask him to watch over his siblings. I ask him to pray to God for us. I tell him I miss him and how I wish, with all my heart, he was still with us. 34 weeks. I would be 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Our baby is an angel in heaven and I can't wait for the day to see him waiting for us at the Gates. Love you baby. Love you God and Love you Jeff. Each one of you has pulled me through this and I am thankful you were all brought into my life.