So I had a mini-break down at work today. Around 11:30 (right before I leave for lunch) I noticed a VM on my cell phone. It was from our RE's nurse, Cheryl. I called right back and she said only 3 of our 7 eggs were fertilized. I asked if they looked good and she said yes, than asked her if it was bad news that only 3 fertilized and if they would make it. She said 'you've got to stay positive, because we are' and 'sometimes not all the embies make it to the transfer so we just have to wait and see'. Tears....lots of tears. Then an employee stopped down and I had to pretend I had 'bad allergies'. Oh boy, it was bad.
I ran out of work to take my lunch break and called Jeff bawling. He was staying positive and told me everything would be ok. I felt like I was failing us, again. I made him promise me he would love me even if we couldn't have bio babies and we agreed if this is a big failure, we need to start persuing adoption but also taking a break (and maybe a nice vacation to Bermuda). I always feel so strong and positve at the beginning of cycles, but slowly start to remember how hard all this is. I feel like I have so much weight on my shoulders and it doesn't help that I'm jacked up on a gazillion meds.
I got back to work and borrowed a coworker's make up and she said maybe we should name them Hewey, Dewey, and Lewey. haha. I'm ok now. I know it only takes 1 to make a healthy baby and we really need to put our trust in Him, but stupid Jeff had to remind me last week that we trusted him with Ducky, and looked what happened. I can't think of it that way. During lunch I cried to Him forever, asking Him to just lift me up. That if this doesn't work that he will show me all the things he has in store for my life. That He will comfort us and that He won't hate me when I'm mad at Him. I also wrote a prayer request for us through our prayer chain at church. I hate second-guessing God. It's not my place to do but it's so easy to wonder if He has forgotten you. If you are important enough for Him to waste His time listening too. I know that all seems immature and selfish, but sometimes I'm scared He doesn't care about us. But I have to trust in Him no matter what...no matter what happens, no matter what.
So all we can do is pray that our three babies make it to the embryo transfer on Monday morning at 10am.
On another note...I look 4 months pregnant. My stomach is so incredibly swollen from surgery yesterday. I peed 4 times last night because my swollen insides were pressing on my blatter. Oh, and I had to be carefull when I moved positions because it felt like my insides were ripping out. Today at work I waddle, I hold my stomach when no one is watching because it feels like my uterus will fall out any minute. Am I a baby with pain? Yes, but still. Guess this might be a little clue into what pregnancy might be like? Better get used to that now, huh?!
Alright...off to work, and pray, and listen to uplifting music.
No comments:
Post a Comment